So each day I'm here I realize how hard it really is to communicate with the outside world. I'm so sorry that it has been three weeks since the last post! So I will try to inform you but not drown you with details- only the details that matter :)
Our theme we decided on for the rest of the summer is "Wasted." This is controversial and bold but we wanted it that way. When you are "wasted" you are totally consumed and under the control of alcohol. But in contrast to that we want to be wasted by the Holy Spirit. Totally consumed by Him and surrendered to His control.
The planning and organizing of project has been extremely draining and just really hard. I have had multiple break downs just from being so physically and mentally exhausted. But each time God consistently reminds me that I am being broken for a bigger purpose. I am being broken so I can be rebuild and remolded into a woman who reflects and radiates who He is.
I've realized that I am not the only one trying. And one can only "try" so hard. God is trying and He is the one who has the ultimate power to be able to change me for the better.
Around day 35, I realize it was the halfway point of project. Crazy! After my friends visited me, after my mom and Jeff visited, my heart was suddenly checked out of project and I was just focused on when I would get home. Part of that was just excited to see everyone again, but the other part was that I just want to apply what I'm learning and how I'm growing in the real world! For a couple weeks I was just really down and feeling drained. I wasn't feeling wasted by the Holy Spirit. If we had magically removed the Holy Spirit from project, would it have looked any different? No. Not at all. Well, multiple people had been feeling like this. So the leadership team made the executive decision to lift all requirements. If you don't feel like going to Bible study, you don't have to go. If you want to lay in your bed all day- go ahead.
The heart behind it was that when staff left, we felt like we were simply given a formula on how to run project. There are really really good things in the formula but it's still a formula. When you have the freedom to choose how you want to spend your summer instead of having requirements for where you have to be and when, it become more apparent where your heart is.
Jesus died on the cross so that we would follow Him ultimately and not so that we would simply follow rules.
Rules are so good and I think that the first 5 weeks of structure was so challenging to me and I was pushed to do things I normally wouldn't do on my own like going to the boardwalk to talk to people about Jesus 3 or 4 times a week. But now, it's time to run with what staff has trained us with and to make it our own.
So through this whole process God did so much convicting. And let's be honest. Being convicted and agreeing with God about your sin is NOT an easy thing haha... it was really hard. So hard that I can honestly look back at the time on this project and say it was one of the hardest things I have even been through in my life.
The main thoughts going through my head lately have been, "God, what would it look like if I gave my entire heart, soul, and mind over to You? What could You do in my life? What could you do through me? "
In my head, I have this image of who I want to be. It's this image of a women who is so radically in love with Jesus. Why can't I be that woman now? I want to live with extravagant devotion! And that can start now which is so so exciting to me.
We talked a lot about international missions so I have searched my heart a lot about that and where I stand on that. I want to have this bifocal vision where I can see my own need for the Gospel, the need of those close people around me, and having a heart for the world as well. Where I'm at now is that my "yes" is on the table for however God wants to use me- I'm 100% in. I just don't know what that looks like right this second.
Work has been HARD haha... I only work 8 more days but I think God has done some pretty sweet things through working in a rough environment. I have build some great relationships with co-workers. I haven't had as much spiritual conversation as I thought but I think God used me and my attitude towards work to shed some light on who He is.
I'm growing closer with the people here. The co-op I'm in (boys room paired with a girls room) is incredible. To see brothers in Christ serving us so well and learning how to love each other with a Christ like love has been so humbling and just so great and fun!
I'm scared of how different my life could be if I give it all to Jesus. I can't see Him fully yet but I desire to so badly. I was saved and I am being saved every single day. How great is that :)
That was a heavy summary but overall:
Virginia Beach Summer Project=Absolutely incredible
Thank you all for being so patient with me! Keep sending me your thoughts and prayer requests. You don't know how encouraging they are :)
Can't wait to see you all soon hopefully! Only 20 days left and I can't wait to tell you all about what God continues to do!!!
Much love :)
